Why I Ghosted My Blog…and What Brings Me Back

Hi everyone! It’s been a minute (errrr...a lot of minutes) since I’ve blogged or posted anything on the ‘gram, and let me restart here by saying that there are FAR more important things and people that deserve attention and space more than myself and this blog right now.  Like Black lives, voting, and wearing your gd mask.  Seriously, people.  Let’s get our collective shit together.

So one one hand this all feels trivial and unimportant, BUT on the other hand I see that my recommitment (vow renewal? lololol) to this blog could be a vehicle for advocacy and amplification through literacy.  Here.  We.  Go.  A combination of things led to my abandonment of The Trendy Reader.  I never planned on stopping; I just slowly let it slip away until I felt it was too far gone to pick back up.  I was burnt out and overwhelmed from a combination of things and also had imposter syndrome to the max.

Let’s start with the burnout.  Ever feel like your life is just a to-do list of shit that you have to do?  Work.  Grad school.  Grocery shopping.  Laundry.  Work out.  Make (I mean heat up) dinner.  Repeat.  That was me.  And still is sometimes (therapy helps though!!).  Literally the tiniest extra thing to do (get the oil changed, run to Target because I’m out of toothpaste) felt like the weight of the world.  There was no time, no room for unplanned activities.  Don’t get me wrong, I love a to-do list, but I felt like I was just doing things to get them done, and I wasn’t exactly enjoying anything.  The Trendy Reader became something to just “get done” rather than something fulfilling.  I started to not make it a priority, fell into a BIG reading slump, and then felt guilty about not reading and not keeping up.  So I just ghosted.  Like I haven’t even looked at my account for about a year.  How can create content for The Trendy Reader if I don’t read?

I also let the whole thing become overwhelming to the point where it was just easiest to stop it altogether.  I didn’t really ever have a plan or topics or any set time to work on TTR; it was more of a post whenever I finished a book or got some new photos or something.  I felt like I was constantly trying to keep up, always feeling behind or like shit-I-didn’t-know-it-was-national-whatever-day, better scrounge up a post!  I was getting free books in the mail all the time, which IS awesome, but as mentioned before, I had no plan and was drowning because of it.  Stacks piled up, and I felt guilty for not posting about books that kind people and publishers had so generously sent to me.  I simply could not keep up with the reading and the posting--not to mention the anxiety I got from having piles of books everywhere and not being able to keep up when other bloggers have their shit together and post all the time and it’s always so perfect and cute.  

I felt the constant pressure to always have new clothes that I could link with a “SWIPE UP!” or so that I could be “accepted” on the Like to Know It app.  I mean the fact that you have to be accepted or of a certain standing to have access to certain stuff on social media is annoying as it is, but then it just has this subtle way of making you believe you’re not good enough.  The truth is I don’t love shopping, and I don’t really even feel like I have that great of an eye for style--If someone could just tell me what to wear and buy it for me that would be GREAT.  But I do feel better when I look better, so in that regard I love a cute outfit.

And also, hi, can we talk about imposter syndrome.  My Instagram feed isn’t as cohesive and beautiful as it should be.  I don’t have enough followers.  My ideas aren’t good enough.  I’m not writing about anything important. Everyone else is better at this.  Even when people would tell me they liked my blog, I often thought they were just saying but secretly making fun of it.  WHY AM I LIKE THIS?!?  (Again, therapy helps!)  So this time around I want to be better about being proud of myself and my work and not sweat the small stuff because no one cares about how pretty my feed is or how many followers I have...and if they do they can’t sit with us, okay?!

Which leads me to my inner conflict with influencer culture and the message it sends to the world.  I did not want to be a part of something that is so fabricated and presents seemingly unattainable perfection to the masses like it’s just normal life.  Because it’s not normal life, okay?  On vacation a few years ago, I saw a girl all Gucci’d out (swimsuit, shoes, visor, fanny pack--all of it) enter the pool area, pose for 10 minutes near a cabana that was not even hers while her boyfriend/photographer (whom she treated like garbage, btw) snapped a million photos of her posing, and then leave.  The beauty of Instagram is you can find people’s shit based on location tags, so natch I looked her up, and she posted a photo with a caption about how she had the “BesT DaY EveR in PaRaDiSe!”  And I’m like, B I’ve been here all day and that is NOT how it went down.  This type of shit is rampant on IG, and tbh it sucks.  I hate feeling less-than.  Not pretty enough, not rich enough, not jet-setty enough, not getting-free-shit-from-companies enough.  Why would I want to impose those feelings on anyone else?  So I’m gonna try my best to make you not feel like that. Also want to point out that I have also met plenty of lovely, REAL people through Insta…I guess you just gotta really filter the fake shit that you allow yourself to consume.

I write all this as a means to clean my slate and to start off a new era of The Trendy Reader with a deep breath, revised intentions, and an accountability to create authentic content that makes me happy and that (maybe) could make some small sort of difference in this world..  

SO!  If you’re new here, samesies.  Let’s start over, k?  I’m Amy--I live in Chicago (soon to be Evanston!) with my husband Terry and our daughter Cameran (she’s new, too).  I love to read and write, but lately I’ve been more of a scroll-my-phone-and-watch-TV kinda gal, ya feel me?  As far as what to expect from The Trendy Reader...posts about books, life, and some cute things to wear.  Thanks for joining me, and--if you’ve been here before--thanks for sticking with me.  It’s good to be back.

-Amy-