Mommy Musings
CW: Postpartum; Motherhood
“As long as we are keeping our problems to ourselves, we stand no chance of learning that these kinds of issues are common and that there are good reasons for them. If, instead, we share our stories with other women, we are almost sure to discover that their struggles are remarkably similar to our own.”
-To Have And To Hold: Motherhood, Marriage, and the Modern Dilemma by Molly Millwood, PhD
Hi everyone! I’ve been working on this post for a while, and I hope you enjoy it and find some points of connection and/or a book that piques your interest. I honestly wanted to get this one up a lot sooner (like around Cameran’s first birthday), but that obviously didn’t happen. I need like two more hours in the day before bedtime; Is that too much to ask?!? So in my mind this post is late, but maybe it’s coming at the right time for someone! And with Mother’s Day right around the corner, I feel like I’m somewhat relevant/current/hip in this space. :)
Before beginning, I’d like to acknowledge my white privilege in that I never really had to worry about surviving childbirth or whether or not my doctors would listen to/believe me before, during, or after Cameran was born. The American healthcare system fails Black women in this way and several others time and time again. You can donate to the Black Coalition for Safe Motherhood by clicking here.
Being a mom means being in your feelings. Like a lot. This is my attempt to reflect on those feelings and share how it’s been for me.
Keeping Up...But Like Not Really
Let’s start with the feeling that takes up the most space for me, and that is overwhelm. Being a first-time mom (and maybe just a mom in general?) is overwhelming with a capital O, and it is so easy to quickly get swallowed by it. You can do so much to prepare for a baby, then when said baby is actually here there is even more shit to prepare for. There is literally a class or an app coming at you from every direction every time you open your social media. Oh you didn’t take the feeding class yet? Here are ten meals your baby should have eaten already and three different cups they should be proficient at using! Did we miss you in the speech class? That’s why your baby doesn’t speak in sentences yet, but look at all these other babies the same age who do! And don’t forget real-quick to swap out last week’s sensory bin for a new one this week! Can’t miss a texture! Swipe up!
With all that is available to us at the tap of a finger, it is so easy to feel like you are not keeping up and that if you don’t do or buy these things at this exact moment, then your baby will have tooth decay/never talk/not sleep/never walk/be a picky eater/have behavior issues...the list goes on. I’ve panic-bought enough to know that sometimes it is helpful to take a breath and think twice before adding to cart. Gah!! Don’t get me wrong, I’ve taken all the classes and bless these people for providing some support so we’re not going through this with no info, but it all has this way of making us (or at least me) feel like we need to keep up–with the videos to watch and the notes to take and the products to buy and the things to remember to say the next time your baby does x-y-z. And if we don’t or can’t keep up, there must be something wrong with us because every other mom on Instagram is doing it! Why am I the only one hanging on by a thread?
I’ve been reading a lot of self-help books and working with a therapist to process my feelings of overwhelm, high expectations, lack of time to get anything done, and the guilt that comes with motherhood sometimes feeling like a chore chart on repeat. What I’ve learned so far is that I am not alone, and that helps. Erica, the woman behind @happyasamother posts a series about the “Invisible Load of Motherhood,” and she is spot on with every.single.one. It’s this invisible load that is a grind, and we don’t talk about it enough. We don’t talk about how many moms are out there holding their worlds together every single day, doing a million things before the sun is even up to ensure that everyone has what they need. I’m talking about the moms with a rolodex of things to do/buy/schedule/prepare constantly flipping through their minds. We out here. And honestly, it’s not just moms, but women in general. Holding. The. World. Together.
This was NOT in the memo.
Even though I took the baby prep classes and have a lot of friends with kids, there were/are still so many things that NO ONE TALKS ABOUT. No shortage of surprises have come my way this year, and they started literally on day one, minute one of being a mom. Let’s seeeeee, what shall we start with? Stitches? Breastfeeding? Donut-sitting? General inability to walk? Shit I should have registered for? The BLOOD!?!? I mean come on!! I read the books!! Where was this in the books?!? For example, at no point in my breastfeeding class did any of the facilitators ever mention that it would be basically the hardest thing ever. SURPRISE! Like where is that in the notes?! Did I miss the lecture that discussed the sobbing and the leaking and the Epsom salt? Or the one that mentioned I’d be frantically ordering a million dollars worth of breastfeeding supplies that I could have used like yesterday, but that I’ll see in 2-4 shipping days? From the pillows to the creams to the shields to the pumps to the bras to the pads to the shirts...I expressed-shipped something new every single day, and I can tell you that it is absolutely maddening. Whoever said that shit is free is seriously mistaken. Also one of my bulk panic-orders of boob supplies got delivered to the wrong house so hopefully that neighbor knows I’m super cool and chill just a little obsessive sometimes is all.
Also surprising is the complete mess that comes with parenthood. Everything is a mess. The floors (the whole house, actually), the clothes, the baby’s room, all of it. I guess I expected a little of that, but I didn’t expect that I, too, would always be a mess. Whether it’s milk, smashed food, or rubbed-on snot...there’s always something of mine to throw in the dirty pile. ALWAYS. I’ve learned to not get dressed for work until we are ready to leave the house immediately. PRO TIP.
Hidden among all of the less desirable surprises were those surprises that were nothing short of amazing and faith-restoring. Like how a friend you haven’t talked to in a while will text you exactly the words you need at the most perfect time to let you know that you are not alone. Or how your home will be flooded in the best way with the best kinds of deliveries: wine, groceries, Stan’s donuts, baby gifts, flowers, Stan’s donuts, Stan’s donuts. Can you tell what my favorite PP gift was? As much as I was caught off guard by postpartum difficulty, I was equally surprised by the amount of love and support I/we received from so many people, especially since it was the very beginning of COVID quarantine and no one really knew wtf was going on. I now know how important it is to pass that love onto others as much as possible.
I’ve also surprised myself in a lot of ways this year, too. If you would have told pre-baby me that I’d be peeling and cutting up grapes to fit nicely in a bento box next to crinkle cut avocado and protein-packed baby muffins, I’d have told you you were crazy. I’ve managed to not only keep a baby alive, but I’ve learned how to do a lot of things that I should have probably been more proficient at by this point in my life (e.g cooking and laundry). I guess it just took someone counting on me for literally everything, and I think deep down I knew I couldn’t feed her mozzarella sticks and fries for her first meals. Best believe she’ll be having them soon, though! I by no means think or feel like I am knocking motherhood out of the park, but I am proud of how far I’ve come and all that I have been able to do for our family, even though it’s really, really hard sometimes. I think that’s something to celebrate.
I write all this to say that it’s possible to be grateful and completely exhausted at the same time. It’s possible to enjoy some aspects of motherhood and not enjoy others. It’s possible (and I think pretty common) to embrace your new life while still wanting to hold on to some semblance of your old one. Honestly though, what did I do before I had a baby, and why did I not completely relish those days?!? It just seems like another life when I could wake up and literally do whatever I wanted. And even though those more carefree days may be in the rearview for me, I am so grateful to have a happy, healthy little girl to share my new days with. But also I’m v. tired. :)
And Now...The Book List
I admittedly didn’t read a ton of pregnancy/parenting books because I knew they would be overwhelming to a person like me who is easily overwhelmed and feels unprepared or not ready at all times. Some of the books I did read are not going on this list of recommendations for that very reason. Those kinds of books are well-intentioned, but they had a way of making me feel like if I didn’t follow the guidelines to the letter then all hope was lost, sometimes causing more stress than is needed amidst the already emotional state of having a new baby. Not to mention they all seem to conflict with one another in certain ways, especially the sleep books! What is a must-do in one book is a never-do in another book. It’s a lot to sift through to realize that you can actually just do what works for you.
Every mother’s experience is different, but these are the books that got me through the haze of new motherhood, and that I continue to return to for help and guidance, for a sense of community, for a good laugh (or cry!), and for a reminder that this is all way bigger than just me.
BOOKS
Adult Books
To Have and To Hold: Motherhood, Marriage, and the Modern Dilemma by Molly Millwood, PhD
Above all else, this book made me feel like I wasn’t alone. It is so relatable and makes it truly feel okay to not be okay. There were so many passages I loved and highlighted, and that I come back to often. I would recommend this book to any new (or not new!) mama who may be searching for a bit of connectedness and some validation of their feelings.
Maybe You Should Talk to Someone by Lori Gottlieb
A funny, honest, and deeply personal story about seeking help when you need it most. Gottlieb, a therapist herself, invites us into her life as she finds herself on the patient couch, receiving therapy rather than providing it. Not really a book about motherhood, but lots of insight into navigating the myriad feelings that exist within us and an overarching sense that we’re all doing the best we can.
Ordinary Insanity: Fear and the Silent Crisis of Motherhood in America by Sarah Menkedick
This book is just...wow. It’s another one that makes you feel way less alone. Menkedick is empathetic and understanding, and recognizes the extreme inadequacy of postpartum care (espcially for women of color) and the unrealisitic and often unbearable expectations mothers face. So many highlights, underlines, dogears. There is a lot of research packed into this book, so while it felt a little textbook-y at times, I was too busy clinging to every word to care.
Dear Girls: Intimate Tales, Untold Secrets & Advice for Living Your Best Life by Ali Wong
If you’ve seen Ali Wong on Netlfix then you know she is hilarious and as real as they come. Her book Dear Girls reflects that perfectly. She’ll tell you like it really is, and she will make you laugh out loud the whole way. Told in a series of letters to her daughters, this one is filled with takeaways, relatable situations, and encouragement. It’s not to be missed if you miss laughing and/or finding levity in stressful, less desirable situations.
Children’s Books
Love Is by Diane Adams and Claire Keane (Illustrator) - This book makes me cry every time I read it. It was a gift from a friend that came at just the right time, and it is now my go-to recommendation for anyone in need of a baby shower or new baby gift.
You Matter by Christian Robinson - One of my favorite author-illustrators delivers a book with such a beautiful message that will resonate with kids and adults alike. When you feel like you or someone you love needs a mood boost or mindset refresh, this is a good one to read.
Just In Case You Want to Fly by Julie Fogliano & Christian Robinson (Illustrator) - Again with a book that makes me cry! This one is so sweet in its telling of all you can do and be while offering bits of help and support along the way. I love it for adults as much as I do for kids. It would make a perfect gift for a baby shower or graduation gift, or a book to read over and over again to yourself or the children in your life.
An Ordinary Day by Elana K. Arnold & Elizabet Vukovic (Illustrator) - A nice reminder that even ordinary days are special in their own way. I am trying to be better about savoring moments and being more present, and this book helped me remember to do just that.
LOOK: Sweatshirt - Taylor Wolfe Shop; Jeans - Madewell
I love my new Fun Mom sweatshirt and wear it often as a reminder that I still got it! I just need everyone to know that I’m fun but just a little high-strung is all. Promise! :) This sweatshirt is so soft and comes in two colors, but the best part of all is that is from the Taylor Wolfe Shop. If you don’t follow @thedailytay on IG, you are missing out on so many laughs. She is so funny, so real, and always wears the cutest stuff. Her shop also has tons of other slogan tees/hoodies/etc., which I normally don’t get into for adults OR kids, but I make an exception for these because they’re the best.
Thanks so much for popping by, and for reading my reflections on motherhood. I wrote this post as much for myself as I did for “the blog,” because writing is a good way for me to reflect and connect with myself. But if my words resonate with at least one of you out there and make you feel a little less alone, I’ll take it. I’ll leave you with something I try to keep in mind (which I learned in therapy), and that might be helpful for you to keep in mind, too: You don’t have to do it all and be it all, all the time.
You’re doing a good job. You’re doing enough and being enough, and I am so proud of you. Take some time to celebrate yourself this week and every week, really. You deserve the world, Mama.
Happy Reading!
-Amy-
P.S. Here are some other passages from the books that were faves of mine.
“Babies safely ensconced in their arms, new mothers in the United States enter into a postpartum culture of caring and support that can only be described as woefully inadequate.”
-To Have And To Hold: Motherhood, Marriage, and the Modern Dilemma by Molly Millwood, PhD
It is a profound testament to the strength and resilience of women that so many of them suffer from debilitating fear, sadness, and confusion and yet they soldier on working, taking care of their families, getting the myriad everyday chores done. The fact that they're asked to do so, to carry and bear alone not only the child but the chemical and biological shifts, the solitude, the loss, the grief, the complex questions of their own transformation, reveals a society that values mothers only as passive, docile, keeping their motherhood safely tucked in the sentimental cultural space reserved for it.”
Ordinary Insanity by Sarah Menkedick
“Throughout history, white women have chosen racial solidarity with white men over gender solidarity with women of color in an attempt to gain access to the fruits of capitalist triumph. An alternative to that erroneous path is to choose solidarity with other women, other mothers in particular: to seek the resonances between our lives so that we may begin to repair the gaps.”
Ordinary Insanity by Sarah Menkedick
